Greek Olympians: The OG Influencers

Hello dear readers, today we are diving deep into the annals of history to review the timeless celebrities of ancient Greece: the Olympians. Remember, before Instagram and TikTok, these were the influencers you’d chisel onto your walls.

1. Zeus – @ThunderDaddyOfficial

  • Pros: King of the Gods. Has that cool lightning bolt that every superhero seems to want. Imposing beard.
  • Cons: A bit of a player. If you get a random shower of gold or swans approaching you, RUN.
  • Rating: 7/10 – Epic thunderstorms, but loses points for those too many “offspring issues.”

2. Hera – @QueenOfShadeAndMarriage

  • Pros: Fiercely loyal wife and queen. Rocks a tiara better than anyone.
  • Cons: Vengeful streak, especially if you’ve caught Zeus’ wandering eye. Ever heard of turning your enemy into a cow? Now you have.
  • Rating: 5/10 – We admire her patience with Zeus but maybe chill on the curses?

3. Poseidon – @SeaBroWithTheTrident

  • Pros: If you’re into surfing, this is your dude. Can chat with dolphins.
  • Cons: Terrible road rage (or should we say sea rage?). Also, earthquakes? Really?
  • Rating: 7.5/10 – Great for beach vacations, not so great if you live near a fault line.

4. Demeter – @GreenGoddess

  • Pros: The original plant mom. Every harvest festival is basically her after-party.
  • Cons: A bit moody. Winter happens just because she misses her daughter. #Drama.
  • Rating: 6/10 – Thanks for the food, but could we talk about extended summer?

5. Athena – @WisdomNWarrior

  • Pros: Born from Zeus’ headache, which is relatable. God-tier strategist and the brain behind Athens.
  • Cons: Turned a woman into a spider because of a weaving contest. Seems a tad overreactive?
  • Rating: 9/10 – Brainy is the new sexy, but remember, she’s always watching!

6. Apollo – @SunBroAndMusic

  • Pros: Multitalented: music, poetry, healing. Basically the renaissance man before the Renaissance.
  • Cons: Had a thing for turning people into flowers and sometimes not in a good way.
  • Rating: 8.5/10 – Dreamy, but approach with caution (and maybe a bouquet?).

7. Artemis – @MoonlitMistress

  • Pros: Fierce protector of wildlife and women. Possibly the first feminist icon.
  • Cons: Might turn you into a stag and set your own dogs on you if offended.
  • Rating: 9/10 – Environmentalist vibes, just don’t trespass in her woods.

8. Aphrodite – @OriginalLoveGoddess

  • Pros: Literally made men go to war for her. Incredible beach body since she was born from sea foam.
  • Cons: Causes more love triangles than a high school soap opera.
  • Rating: 9.5/10 – Gorgeous, but possibly a homewrecker.

9. Hermes – @SpeedyMessenger

  • Pros: Fastest god around. Invented the original winged shoes. Who needs FedEx?
  • Cons: A bit of a trickster. Don’t trust him with your cattle.
  • Rating: 8/10 – Great for instant messaging but keep an eye on your livestock.

10. Ares – @BattlefieldBadBoy

  • Pros: Has muscles for days. For those who like the rugged, war-like type.
  • Cons: The reason behind every ‘War’ entry in your history book.
  • Rating: 4.5/10 – Exciting but might bring a war to your doorstep.

11. Hephaestus – @CraftyBlacksmith

  • Pros: Handyman of the gods. Can fix anything except his own love life.
  • Cons: A tad broody, might have some lingering ex issues.
  • Rating: 7.5/10 – DIY king, but might need some emotional tools.

12. Dionysus – @PartyGod

  • Pros: Turns water into wine. Literal life of the party.
  • Cons: Hangovers are also his domain.
  • Rating: 8/10 – Every party needs him, but your liver might not agree.

There you have it, folks, a quick rundown of our legendary Greek Olympians. Remember to like, share, and sacrifice a goat for good luck. Just kidding, maybe just stick to sharing! 😉🏺⚡

p.s. #13 is Hades!! But we don’t speak of *HIM*: