Greek Olympians: The OG Influencers
Hello dear readers, today we are diving deep into the annals of history to review the timeless celebrities of ancient Greece: the Olympians. Remember, before Instagram and TikTok, these were the influencers you’d chisel onto your walls.
1. Zeus – @ThunderDaddyOfficial
- Pros: King of the Gods. Has that cool lightning bolt that every superhero seems to want. Imposing beard.
- Cons: A bit of a player. If you get a random shower of gold or swans approaching you, RUN.
- Rating: 7/10 – Epic thunderstorms, but loses points for those too many “offspring issues.”
2. Hera – @QueenOfShadeAndMarriage
- Pros: Fiercely loyal wife and queen. Rocks a tiara better than anyone.
- Cons: Vengeful streak, especially if you’ve caught Zeus’ wandering eye. Ever heard of turning your enemy into a cow? Now you have.
- Rating: 5/10 – We admire her patience with Zeus but maybe chill on the curses?
3. Poseidon – @SeaBroWithTheTrident
- Pros: If you’re into surfing, this is your dude. Can chat with dolphins.
- Cons: Terrible road rage (or should we say sea rage?). Also, earthquakes? Really?
- Rating: 7.5/10 – Great for beach vacations, not so great if you live near a fault line.
4. Demeter – @GreenGoddess
- Pros: The original plant mom. Every harvest festival is basically her after-party.
- Cons: A bit moody. Winter happens just because she misses her daughter. #Drama.
- Rating: 6/10 – Thanks for the food, but could we talk about extended summer?
5. Athena – @WisdomNWarrior
- Pros: Born from Zeus’ headache, which is relatable. God-tier strategist and the brain behind Athens.
- Cons: Turned a woman into a spider because of a weaving contest. Seems a tad overreactive?
- Rating: 9/10 – Brainy is the new sexy, but remember, she’s always watching!
6. Apollo – @SunBroAndMusic
- Pros: Multitalented: music, poetry, healing. Basically the renaissance man before the Renaissance.
- Cons: Had a thing for turning people into flowers and sometimes not in a good way.
- Rating: 8.5/10 – Dreamy, but approach with caution (and maybe a bouquet?).
7. Artemis – @MoonlitMistress
- Pros: Fierce protector of wildlife and women. Possibly the first feminist icon.
- Cons: Might turn you into a stag and set your own dogs on you if offended.
- Rating: 9/10 – Environmentalist vibes, just don’t trespass in her woods.
8. Aphrodite – @OriginalLoveGoddess
- Pros: Literally made men go to war for her. Incredible beach body since she was born from sea foam.
- Cons: Causes more love triangles than a high school soap opera.
- Rating: 9.5/10 – Gorgeous, but possibly a homewrecker.
9. Hermes – @SpeedyMessenger
- Pros: Fastest god around. Invented the original winged shoes. Who needs FedEx?
- Cons: A bit of a trickster. Don’t trust him with your cattle.
- Rating: 8/10 – Great for instant messaging but keep an eye on your livestock.
10. Ares – @BattlefieldBadBoy
- Pros: Has muscles for days. For those who like the rugged, war-like type.
- Cons: The reason behind every ‘War’ entry in your history book.
- Rating: 4.5/10 – Exciting but might bring a war to your doorstep.
11. Hephaestus – @CraftyBlacksmith
- Pros: Handyman of the gods. Can fix anything except his own love life.
- Cons: A tad broody, might have some lingering ex issues.
- Rating: 7.5/10 – DIY king, but might need some emotional tools.
12. Dionysus – @PartyGod
- Pros: Turns water into wine. Literal life of the party.
- Cons: Hangovers are also his domain.
- Rating: 8/10 – Every party needs him, but your liver might not agree.
There you have it, folks, a quick rundown of our legendary Greek Olympians. Remember to like, share, and sacrifice a goat for good luck. Just kidding, maybe just stick to sharing! 😉🏺⚡